Church search: Straddling the wall

Part of my "Church search" series...

Not too long ago, I happened upon this chart about some common stages of faith and found that I could really relate to it, especially the wall-hitting part. (If you'd like to save time, just read the two gray boxes on that page, but I recommend reading the whole thing.

I'm quite solidly in stage 4 (the journey inward) of that chart, sometimes feeling pulled back to stage 3 (the productive life). Truth be told, I've been trying to straddle that wall between stages 3 and 4 for several years now, but didn't mostly let go of stage 3 until we decided to leave our church last year.

A number of years ago I found myself dealing with increased doubts about Christianity. As I decided to start dealing with doubt rather than just letting it fester, I began to learn about some different ways of thinking within Christianity. The book "The Last Word and the Word After That" by Brian McLaren was influential in this regard. When Christians talked kind of favorably about doubt, it sounded something like, "It's good to confront your doubts because it will ultimately boost your confidence that we're right." But Brian McLaren was willing to consider that maybe we really are wrong about some things in our faith, or even if these things we doubt turn out to be true, there is still something to our doubts. Or the truth / falsity of these doctrines isn't the most important thing.

As I learned from people who are willing to ask the tough questions (mostly through reading), my faith was challenged and refreshed, and I learned to deal with doubt better. But doubt didn't go away, and other things I learned made me feel cynical.

Meanwhile, this whole time I was one of the leaders of the youth group at my church. I wasn't frequently in much of a teaching role, but when I did have opportunities to teach or discuss, I did try to encourage questioning and keeping an open mind, avoiding pat answers, that sort of thing. But I still felt myself suppressing some of my questions and issues, and I found that these issues sometimes made me reluctant to discuss certain aspects of faith with these young people. When I did express these questions and issues, people were generally accepting and sometimes tried to understand, but they rarely challenged my thinking the way that the things I read did, and it rarely felt like they really understood. Actually, the pastor was one of the people who understood me best, but even then, I felt more and more like I needed more space to decide for myself what I believed.

I quit youth group leadership. Even though it had been great in many ways, this was part of getting more space. After a little while longer, I considered quitting church entirely, with the hope of eventually coming back. Instead I decided to just cut back on church attendance.

Cathy and I started dating, and she accepted and appreciated me for where I was at. She began attending the same church as me, when she was able to make it. We got married. Church attendance varied. We got a new pastor, and like the previous one, this one understood me better than most people in the church. Around that time, I initiated a Bible study group mostly for people around my age. Again, I tried to express my questions and issues, and sometimes found that certain people were also wrestling with something similar. When it was my turn to lead the discussion, sometimes I felt like I should be toning down the expression of my doubts. Eventually this group dissolved.

I've often felt like I need to experience a different way of thinking about Christianity on a deeper level. Some of my reading has made me aware that it really is possible, but in the evangelical church (mostly in the church I grew up in) I haven't been able to find people who really get me thinking in those different ways.

Plenty of good things had happened in our old church, including things that wouldn't have happened if we left earlier. But I was stuck, straddling that wall between the "productive Christian life" and searching for something better. And so, last year, it was finally time to go.