Reflections on coming home

One year ago today, I got back from almost two months in eastern Canada. I wrote on this blog several times while I was there, so feel free to check the archives and read more.

I think some people say travel is a good way to get to know yourself, and I think that's how it turned out for me. Maybe it was because of meeting a lot of new people, finding common ground and differences with these people, and not having the usual obligations with church, work, or school. When I got home, I seemed to have a stronger sense of what I believe about God and what I'm not so sure about, and what I want out of church. When it comes to church, I was feeling the need for a place where anyone, including the leaders, can question anything. Yes, I still thought churches should uphold certain beliefs, but people need the chance to search for truth themselves and not just take somebody's word for it. (This could be a tough balancing act.) Even people that have been Christians a long time can experience doubts, even if they're leaders. And I think it's a very natural thing for a person's faith to change over time, sometimes in uncomfortable or controversial ways.

I keep a bit of a prayer journal, and I looked back at it to figure out which date I got home on. I also noticed something I'd forgotten: I wasn't feeling very optimistic about returning to my church. I guess I wasn't sure if I'd find the freedom there to be myself, search for truth, and grow in ways that they wouldn't necessarily choose for me. That evening a year ago, we had a youth leaders' meeting at church. It was a good chance to reconnect with some friends, and I remember our pastor saying something that made him sound open-minded and willing to disagree with the majority of Christians. By the end of the evening I was already feeling more optimistic about staying at the same church.

Eventually I had a few chances to talk with our pastor about some stuff that was on my mind, and I developed a closer relationship with him as a result. Eventually we had a new Sunday school class (or "Discovery Group" as they're called at our church) where we discussed whatever "searching questions" we had on our minds. Most of the time, I really enjoyed that class.

This doesn't mean I never question my place in this church. There are still a lot of people (including many of the parents of people in our youth group) who don't know much about where I stand on certain spiritual issues or what I've been through spiritually in the last couple of years. Sometimes I fear what they'd think if I told them all of that. Even when I do voice my opinions and questions, even with close friends, I'm not always thrilled with the response. But I know I can't expect everyone to agree with me, and these close friends have remained close. I experience alternating enthusiasm and negativity about my faith and my church and sometimes I experience both at the same time.

Maybe it would be easier to start fresh in a new church, but the people there mean a lot to me, and I've had the chance to see some of the younger ones grow from tiny babies to wonderful teenagers (and even a few young adults) who really seem to care about the people around them. A year after my return, there is still baggage from being in the church I grew up in, but hopefully I'll be able to work through this and God will show his strength in my weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). I'm still finding my place (which could take a lifetime), but I think I'm headed in the right direction.